For many of you that is indeed the question, whether you be a he or a she. The night after night after night question, tossing and turning question, moving from bed to the couch question, wondering how you are going to cope in the coming day question. For whatever reasons this, at times, can be your life. For me, hormonal issues, chemical imbalance issues, family abuse issues, anxiety ridden days and, fear….fear that it would all come back, fear that the black hole of my family-of-origin-life would engulf me again…had caused my dark nights to yawn (no pun intended) endlessly before me, proving true the saying that it is always darkest before the dawn.
Now sleep has become a gift to me, a luxurious, snuggle deeply under the covers gift, not to be taken for granted. When menopause hit….and it did hit….medications were prescribed and counseling took place, a good night’s sleep went away for a time, but it came back. As my days began to drag and sluggishness became the descriptive word, I realized the sedative that had been needed to peel me off the ceiling (plastered there by a high level of anxiety), was no longer necessary….at least not so strong a dose. So gradually over time I began to wean myself off….down to the last 1/8 of a pill.
I knew it was time to let go of that 1/8 of a pill…my ridiculously small security blanket that has been my emotional dyke holding the ocean of darkness at bay…or so I imagined. As I lay in bed with no 1/8 pill security blanket within me, the thought came that no one was going to come and pick me up in the middle of the night and do unspeakable things to me. I clung to that thought and drifted off to sleep.
52 years after the sexual abuse ended could it still be a fear? Could that fear be embedded so deeply inside me I could not know it was still there? The answer is yes, and God brought it forward last night, out of the darkness into His light. With my inner-child’s eyes blinking from the brightness, I cling to Him and yield and ask Him to take it, do whatever is necessary to carry me one step further into His healing from the inside out.