When taking a sedative I have found I do not feel deeply. Though sometimes needed when suffering causes underground tremors so strong they shake the core of your being, it can also be an appealing escape…I enjoyed sliding through life, for the past 5 years or so, on an even keel with chaotic feelings far from me. Now free from the 1/8 pill hedge of protection I referred to in my posts, Will she sleep or won’t she sleep, that is the question and Will she sleep or won’t she sleep, that is the question – Part 2 (although I am still am taking an antidepressant…and have been for the majority of the last 30 years) , I am experiencing the (most likely) normal ups and downs of life…which can be very frightening. Having lived for years with out-of-control emotions both within me and within my family of origin, any sustained bout (I’m talking just days) of difficult feelings, any sustained sense of instability, disruption or being out of control can take me back to extremely scary times and can stir the fear within that everything is coming back and that the terror is going to start all over again. There have been times when fear has fed on fear until anxiety and panic have filled me; other times I have been able to submerge the rising tide of unease, making it possible to continue skimming over the surface of troubled waters without dealing with the monsters of the deep. Then there were times when God knew I was strong enough to face a particular haunting memory. In those cases He would cause it to rise up and lead me in the way necessary for release from its power and freedom from its control.
Due to current circumstances, grief, uncertainty, sadness, fatigue, loss of control and anxiety have been roiling about inside me, and fear is rising. My gut is telling me to run, but my God is telling me to turn and stand. Stand, don’t cower; lift my head, open my eyes and see what is roaring at me with the strength of a hurricane, what has pierced my heart and is draining my life’s energy. Now is the time to embrace this inner turmoil as a harbinger of healing, to yield to my Lord for His work.
So, another leg of my journey has begun. I have chosen the downward fork in the road leading toward a tunnel’s dark opening (picture pathways in Tolkien’s trilogy, Lord of the Rings). What awaits me I do not know. What I do know is my God goes with me, helping, guiding, carrying, comforting, strengthening and fighting the battle. He will prevail, and good will overcome evil. Will it be unpleasant? Probably. But, what struggle worth winning has been easy, and what valuable prize has been taken without cost? So, lead on O King Eternal, I follow in Your victorious wake.