When pondering the events of the last few days, I wondered how I would go about explaining the work God has been doing to resolve the pain of my 6 year old child (as postd in Onward in victory – part 3). I was concerned about how people would receive it…whether or not readers would think I was insane, hallucinating or making it up. But, while driving to my physical therapy appointment, I looked forward to sharing with my therapist knowing he embraced much of what I have learned from my Master and Teacher. Imagine my chagrin when he plus an intern walked into the waiting room. Oh no, I thought, someone new who possibly won’t understand…how can I open myself to an unknown? But, with some gentle prodding I did and was received with understanding. Praise God! Even though I knew I would write this post no matter what, encouragement definitely helps…so here goes…
After yielding my wound to the Great Physician, I continued my journey, with God bringing to light one or two new internal places needing His touch. Not expecting further revelation soon regarding part 3, I was surprised when my Healer’s gentle hands lifted a round object from my chest and held it protected and cupped before me for my observation. I knew my heart was what I saw. Covered by a thin layer of skin it throbbed and bubbled, festering from a deep infection due to rejection and non-acceptance by both my family and myself. Understanding came as my heavenly Father took it to Himself; it was also my 6 year old person shaped, wounded and bruised by the hurtful events of my life and the attitudes and actions of all involved. Discomfort and relief followed when she disappeared into the heavens. Discomfort because I felt bereft and relief because the pain was gone. Seriously, the pain in my chest was gone. Other areas of my body still ached and were burdened with a weighty pressure (I believe much of this will be released in the future), but there was an incredible relief and lightness where my inner child used to reside. (Picture Iron Man no longer having to carry in his chest whatever it was that powered his existence.) As wonderful as it felt, I had questions…would I not be incomplete without her? What was going to fill the newly created void?
“I pray for God to be your eagle with arms spread like wings to enfold you”, a friend commented after reading part 3. What a beautiful picture, I thought. As I recalled Deuteronomy 32:11, the picture of an eagle arose in my mind catching its young on its back as they are learning to fly. Then reality took over imagination when I realized my child had been falling and God had swooped down, caught her and lifted her on His wings as an eagle. She was soaring in the heavens on God’s back with joy-filled wonder embracing her and the wind of the Spirit easing the burdens off her shoulders and blowing the suffering out of her heart…my God had come with healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2). Rejoicing, I knew the Lover of My Soul was giving her care and she was more than safe; she was being rejuvenated.
The next morning, God lowered my heart, my child from heaven for me again to view. Transformed, the ball of healthy flesh no longer churned in agony; smooth and calm, her peace was deep. This was the answer to my question; my renewed inner child was the filling for my unoccupied heart She was to reside within me again. Reacting with fear, I recoiled. Oh, how I didn’t want a recurrence of the pain! As I withdrew, the empty cavity walls within began to collapse, and I could feel myself imploding. Realizing the alternative was worse than the original challenge, I asked God to please prepare me to take her back. Internal change needed to come with that enabling, for her loving Father would not allow her to return to a place of rejection and abuse. How, O Lord, I cried out, could this happen? Forgive, forgive, was the response. So, I forgave.
I forgave my mother for the rejection, abandonment, hatred and probably other things I don’t remember at the moment. (This took time since forgiveness is a process of letting go of the pain and the desire for revenge in Jesus name and by the power of his Spirit and His shed blood…I must call upon His help for I have learned I cannot truly let go in my own strength.) I asked God to take off and break the yoke of abuse I shared with her. I broke generational bondage, again in Jesus name, so my family and I would no longer be linked to that which oppressed her. And, I asked God to fill the empty places inside where pain and bitterness had resided (released through forgiveness), to yoke me to Himself and to bind me to Him and my family in health, love and in whatever way I/we needed. (When letting go of something, I always ask God to fill the empty space with Himself and His good gifts, so the thing let go will not have a place to return (using the spiritual principle found in Luke 11:24-26).
Ready now to receive my sweet child, God slowly emersed her into me, her home. Gradually my body infolded the sphere, and we began melding together. This will be a process of learning to care for and of getting to know each other. But, it will be good…we are at peace, and the pain has not returned.