Little did I know how quickly the future would come.
In my last post, I stated positively that I knew there would be more battles to be fought and changes to be made, but no matter what the future held my God would work it for my good….so onward and upward, I declared, into whatever God had for me! The day after I did my first edit of that post, a new fight began, following only a week of R & R. Sigh. But, I have given God permission to do what is necessary to shape me into wholeness, so who am I to complain? (Even though I did…)
I had a dream. I was in a house; its outside was exactly like the second home we lived in after my mother returned from her final stint in the mental institution. Unlike the exterior, the inside was very dissimilar in its physical appearance, although what was there represented well the chaos of our family patterns. The right side of the interior was like a vertical maze of floors and walls placed at haphazard heights and positions; there was no back wall, so light shone through from back to front. The left side had no walls, floors or ceilings, as if a bomb had exploded or a natural disaster had swept through and left emptiness in its wake. The house’s rear section seemed to be completely open to the back yard, but closer examination revealed a clear plastic casing stretching all the way to the back fence, similar to a tall rectangular green house. Inside this structure there were hanging ropes which were used as zip lines by aliens who were rapidly sliding into the house to attack and annihilate. My energy and time were given to counter attacks, vaporizing, demolishing and casting out those beings which were bent on destroying me and ending my freedom. I was in my element, enjoying the fight; periodically I was joined by friends when the battle became too complex and reinforcements were needed. Like characters in Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger we leaped, swooped, soared, and fought with deep satisfaction and focused strength.
I was a different person outside that environment, as shown by the second half of this dream. In it, a new neighbor came to our backyard with a battalion of her friends to “help” plant flowers. She was over bearing, controlling, very effusive and looked remarkably like Kim Kardashian. (Since I barely know who she is and couldn’t even remember her name, I really don’t know how her image came to be part of this story…dreams are strange entities.) Her idea of “help” was to do things her way without any consideration for others’ thoughts and desires. I immediately abandoned my station inside and dashed to intervene. She was deeply offended by my objections and began to stalk off in a huff, indignantly proclaiming she thought we had an agreement to help each other with our outdoor work. (Of course, assisting in her yard also meant doing things only as she wished.) Following and attempting to smooth her ruffled feathers, I entreated her to try to understand that we just had a break down in communication about what it meant to “help each other”. Somewhat mollified, she and her friends left.
I watched as she crossed the street to her home, and I realized I should have been firm about who I was and what I wanted when we first met. Doing so would have avoided that conflict and the turmoil tumbling about inside me. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have wanted such a friend, yet my behavior exhibited the opposite.
Upon waking the next morning, I asked myself and God what the dream meant. Some questions which ran through my mind were: Can I perceive truth inside the house but not outside? Can I exercise discernment for my family of origin but not for myself? Am I still trapped within my old family structure and have difficulty functioning outside their mode of operation? Do I lose my ability to discern and be myself outside of their sphere of influence?
As the day progressed, clarity came with an answer somewhat different from what my enquiries implied but pertained to elements within each. I have learned confidence and discernment when warring against the forces of evil emanating from within my family of origin, yet I lack those same attributes when life takes me away from that venue. Allowing myself to be snowballed and steamrolled by external forces, people, and cultures, I don’t express my internal personality or stand firm in who I am or what I believe. (This is somewhat relative and depends on the situations in which I find myself.) Thus, I conform in subtle ways and allow myself to be carried along by the culture or personality dominating the moment. (Not so much compromising standard moral truths, but compromising my very essence.)
Reflection has verified this truth. Throughout the years, there are many times when I have jeopardized my integrity. These vary from blatant lies when I was much younger (the words seemed to be powered by forces beyond my control) to more recent, less obvious, but still internally damaging, denials of who I am created to be.
I’m sure there are numerous reasons for this behavior, such as old patterns engrained in my psyche, the human drive for self preservation and everyone’s desire to be accepted and loved. Most likely my introversion has also played a part in this equation. But, no matter what the cause, I do not want to continue to relate to the outside world in such a subservient way. And, I know my God longs for me to be whole, complete and strong, so I may live in the truth of who I am no matter what the circumstance. That is why He gave me this dream…to show the reason for and to open the door to the next leg of my healing journey.