Torn

The painful work of God bringing to mind that which needs to be healed is only made tolerable by the final result of relief and peace. Knowing the struggles I had this past week were rooted in lingering patterns of the past, I allowed the hurtful messages carved into my soul to come forward into the Light of my Counselor’s wisdom.  Only then could He direct me in the way I needed to go for release and freedom.

Why can’t I do anything right?  The only time I get attention is when I robotically serve the needs of others, squelching my feelings, thoughts and desires.   If I dare express myself, turmoil ensues. Anger, belittling, harsh criticism, isolation.  It is better when I act like I don’t exist; everybody is much happier when they don’t have to deal with me.

Perplexing memories of my relationship with my Dad paraded across my mind.

Oh, why did I only receive attention from him when I was needy?  Why did he only take delight in me when I was reduced to a child emotionally?  Why did he sometimes seem to direct me down paths destined to fail?  Why, when I tried to grow and become independent, did he withdraw and become silent?

The battle raged between the truth I have learned of the love and support of my heavenly Father and the patterns engrained in me from the manipulations and control exercised by my earthly father.  I cried out please help me in this, Oh God, for I know my thinking is not right. I need your discernment and your Spirit to work a change in me, so I can be freed from this bondage.

Later, while walking our dog, the still, small Voice came.  You need to forgive your father.  I asked for clarity, and my spiritual eyes were opened.  My dad wanted to keep me emotionally the same age I had been during the time of his abuse.  He wanted me dependent on him; he wanted me to need him; he wanted to hold on to our warped relationship.  Fear also motivated him.  Fear of what might happen if I did grow up.  Would I expose him?  He kept me close to keep me silent.  Even though he had said he loved me (confusing me all the more) life was all about him and his perceived needs and never about nurturing me as his child.

In Jesus name and by the power of His Holy Spirit I forgave him.  I let go of the pain and the desire for revenge which lifted the burden of rejection and bitterness from my shoulders.  Please fill the resulting empty places in my soul with your love, acceptance and anything else I may need for health and wholeness, I asked my Prince of Peace.  Bondage was broken in Jesus name.  The cables of fear and neediness that held me to my earthly father were cut never to be joined again.  Oh, please bind me together in well being with You in place of those cords of distress.  And, because He is faithful, He did it.  My steps were lighter as I continued my walk.  My posture was straighter; my shoulders were no longer stooped from the heavy weight of long ago degradation.  Further along the path to freedom, my heart sang His praise.